Don't Make It Bad

Here’s something fun to imagine:


There are two sisters, one young and beautiful, one a little older, and, let’s just say...handsome. All of their lives, these sisters have viewed each other through a kind of filter, focusing more on how the other should be more like them than what they actually love about each other. Which turns out to be a lot.

Okay, so imagine this: last weekend, these sisters meet in a large American metropolis (one that maybe people in South Africa, or Iraq, or Asia might be able to locate on a map, but not many US Americans, because they don’t have maps, as such—if you don't get this reference, go to youtube, you will either thank or curse me, I promise) and they have a breakthrough, which results in an amazing bonding experience. For the first time in their lives, these two women just enjoy each other. They don’t think “I wish you were more...” or “I think you should be less..” or "Why do you always have to...", they just have fun together.

And in this wave of goodwill and newfound acceptance, they decide to go do some karaoke together.

For those of you who have not yet done karaoke, here are some tips:

#1. It doesn’t matter if you can sing or not. What matters is that you pick a song the crowd likes.

#2. Picking a song the crowd likes involves scoping out the crowd and gauging their basic demographic, plus their response to the songs others are karaoke-ing. For example, if the crowd is enjoying and singing along with fast, hip-hop songs, and you want to please the crowd, choose a fast, hip-hop song.

#3. “Hey Jude” is not a fast, hip-hop song.

#4. You and your companion karaoke-er may own expensive purses full of valuables. You may not want to leave them unattended at your table as you go up to sing a duet of “Hey Jude” together. This will not change the fact that if you are two white women in your 40’s, carrying your purses up to the stage can not, and will not, look cool, or, in any other way, appeal to a crowd of a certain demographic.

#5. The key of a song is very important (dare I say “key?”) in how well it will be sung by a given singer or singers. In other words, if you and your karaoke partner are sopranos, you will both suck when singing a song in a basso profundo key. You will sound like female impersonators. You will desperately cling to each other when you realize how bad you sound. You will not enjoy the feeling.

#6. “Hey Jude” has a lot of “na na na na” choruses, and if you suck at the first one, you will most probably suck at the sixteenth one. Prepare for that.

#7. When trying to liven up the sixteenth “na na na na” chorus which you have sucked at so far, bursting out into Paul McCartney’s background riff of “hey joooday joodayJOODAYJOODAYJOODAYJOOODAAAY!” will probably not inspire the crowd to respond with encouraging cheers. Instead, they will probably blink quietly. This will make you very, very uncomfortable.

#8. When you realize that singing a duet in this unnaturally low voice with a same-sex fellow karaoke-er may cause the blinking, silent crowd to think you are lesbian lovers, explaining between choruses of “na na na na” that “We’re SISTERS!” is awkward. Don’t do it. They don’t care. They just want you to take your expensive purses full of valuables and get the hell off the stage so they can start having fun again.

#9. When “Hey Jude” is over with, please the crowd for the first time since your turn began. Do this by running, not walking, to the nearest exit. Run, run, run! Go, go, go!

#10. If you ignore all of the above advice and choose “Hey Jude” as your song at a karaoke bar, and all of the above happens to you, for the rest of your life you will not be able to hear that beautiful song without cringing and laughing. Can you live with that? If so, then be my guest! Go for it! And good luck!