It's Time To Get Over Ourselves

Hey, Stepmothers,


Can we talk?

And I don't mean about our selfish, difficult ex-wife, our petulant/ ungrateful/neurotic/troubled/needy/manipulative stepchildren, or our half tuned-in husband either. And most of all, I don't mean about us, and how we struggle to deal with it all, and how our sacrifices, contributions, and efforts go unrewarded, unacknowledged, and uncelebrated. I don't want to talk about how amazing we are and how hard we work and how lonely it gets sometimes. Because the truth is, it's all starting to get really boring.

Stepmothers, it's time to get over ourselves.

What did we think would happen when we married this man and inserted ourselves between him and his children?

And how did we ever forget what it feels like to be a child, to need to love our biological parents fiercely and unquestioningly, and how weird and scary it felt when someone tried to step into either of their shoes, even temporarily? How did we ever forget that one adult--that teacher, that relative, that babysitter--who took over and resented us, who didn't understand our feelings, and who stridently mandated our respect and admiration? And most of all, how in the world did we forget how much worse it was when this person thought she was so smart, funny, pretty, hip, and perfect, that if we didn't agree, there had to be something wrong with us? It makes my stomach hurt to think about it.

The thing is, it's not about us, Stepmothers. It's about our stepchildren. It's about what has been taken away from them because of their parents' divorce, what they need now, and the things we might be able to do to soften, comfort, and lessen their trauma while folding them into their new life with us.

Our stepchildren have no obligation to us. Anything we get from them is extra and hard-won. We are not in a reciprocal relationship, we are in a relationship of service. So let's get our egos out of it, stop whining, and get back to work. Let's turn to our friends, family, job, husband for devotion, comfort, and reassurance. Let's stop demanding it of these poor kids.

It's not that I don't want to read our blogs, Stepmothers. It's that I want to read less about how fabulous we are and more about our fabulous stepchildren. Who are they? What do they wish for, how are we working to understand them? Above all, how are we helping them to reassemble their senses of self, their feelings of power, success, and security, now that their lives have come apart? Now THAT would be interesting. That would be helpful. That would tell them that we really love their father, that we honor their place in our life, and that, more than anything, we are up for the responsibility of doing our part to create a happy home for everyone. Okay?

Tell you what. I'll go first:

Excellent related Modern Love piece in last Sunday's NYT.